The journey of Self Development for Men typically begins with trying to get good with women. For those who enjoy any kind of success they tend to use it as a springboard to address other areas that require their attention in an attempt to live life on their own terms.
Unless you restrict your socialising to your local village pub its important to realise that every night gives you the opportunity to establish your social proof from scratch. The majority of people in any bar, in any town or city will be strangers, you aren’t anchored to an historic reputation, they don’t know who you are, they don’t know the issues, failures or knockbacks you’ve previously suffered from. There are less limitations and by putting your best foot forward and taking some action with a degree of persistence you automatically put yourself ahead of the majority.
Your social life is an extension of your dating life, by doing interesting things in your free time not only do you give yourself more opportunities to meet quality women and expand your social circle in general, you also develop yourself as a person and have more topics of conversation to fascinate that girl you meet at the bar. Whether it be dance classes, self defence, stand up comedy or a sports team by leaning into your edges and trying something new, your ability to attract others is enhanced.
A crucial mindset shift through all of this is that fun comes first, girls come second. If meeting women is your primary goal they will pick up on this and it conveys neediness. Focus on fun, meeting people, having an adventure, pushing your boundaries and leaning into your edges, beyond your comfort zone. Girls will sense this freedom and carefreeness. See the club or bar as yours, walk in like you own it with a big smile as though you know everybody and can get any girl you like. Talk to the staff, wander up to groups and say hi, this is your playground and the social proof from others seeing you do this signals you out as the interesting fun exciting guy everybody wants to meet to brighten up their night. Don’t see each conversation as an individual interaction, see the whole night as one big interaction, increasing your energy from one to the next and building social momentum. Don’t give a shit, be self-amused, dance like an idiot and don’t care what others may think.
Lead constantly, from bar, to dancefloor, to private booth, back to the bar, set the frame and keep things fresh and moving forwards. Be unpredictable, exciting and keep her laughing. Make a move…she wants you to. If you can’t get her back to yours or get back to hers that night then get a number close, they mean very little but if you’ve built the strong connection by following the previous advice and you strongly and confidently state your intent for exchanging numbers, you wont just be some random digits in her phone list. Don’t text her to chat, text with one intent, to get her on a date, look to induce the emotions from your previous meet up. Recall your conversations and the environment and refer to them in your message, if she responds she’s interested, so then take the lead by setting a plan and assume the date is going to happen.
When you meet, set the tone early, give her a hug and escalate physically from there, be challenging and bold with your conversation, move to different venues, this pyschologically makes her feel like you’ve been hanging out longer and she knows you better, building trust. Be sexual, mean business, make a move.
Whilst traditional good looks are not crucial, your appearance does convey certain traits to women and the ability to look good will definitely give you more flexibility and options. If you get a handle on a few simple things around fitness, fashion, grooming, hygiene and body language you will not necessarily jump straight from A to Z with women but it will be a lot easier to progress through B,C,D,E etc etc
Get in the habit of exercising or working out regularly, 3 or days a week at least, do some weights, do some cardio, I will recommend programmes on this site, but truth is there are plenty of great free programmes on the internet. I go to the gym but if you have some weights at home and are happy to stick your trainers on and go for a 5 mile run then do that instead. You don’t have to be Arnie but the benefits both physically and mentally of having a regular fitness regime will pay off dividends. Alongside that watching your alcohol intake and eating more nutritious natural foods will compound your efforts massively. You can’t outrun a poor diet!
Dressing well implies status, but you can spend thousands on the top designer brands and it all comes to nothing if you forget one thing – Fit Matters. Wear clean well fitted slim fit shirts and jeans, (no oversized shirts or baggy fit jeans), nice shoes and get a well fitted blazer or suit.
Go to a stylist for your haircut, take a picture of somebody cool you’d like to copy and let them do it, then take a picture of your hair and use that with whomever you want going forward. Figure out what works for you in terms of facial hair, I go for permanent stubble but trim it daily, don’t let it get out of control!
Shower regularly, smell fresh and get an eau de toilette you like to spray on before you go out, women notice! Do some research on the most popular mens fragrances. Old Spice is not going to cut it!
Body lanaguage is crucial and easily fixed with some concerted effort, keys include –
Slow Controlled Movements – fidgeting indicates nervousness
Take Up Space – stretch out,be laid back, its a territorial signal your comfortable
Stand Up Straight and Pull Your shoulders back with your head high, don’t slouch!
The majority of blokes are mediocre with women because of fear and uncertainty around rejection and embarassment but look on enviously when others dare to approach. Freedom and not giving a fuck is an attractive quality and the ability to leave your ego at the door and start doing things that scare you will open doors and help you reach your potential, not only with women.
Its not about what women see in you its how they feel around you, your vibe.
You need to convey your a confident, sex-worthy man through your energy.
You need to internalise the fundamental beliefs of attractive men.
Women should not be your purpose, you should have a driving goal propelling you through life that is more important to you than women. Women want men who have purpose and who don’t prioritise them and wont abandon their own path and goals. They want to meet somebody who breaks the norm, takes risks and goes for what he wants in life.
Be comfortable with women, believe she is waiting for a fun guy like you to approach her, treat every conversation like an inside joke between two of you. To become more comfortable expose yourself to that environment more often. Believe you are enough, you don’t need her validation. Some things aren’t meant to last, sometimes one night is all it was meant to be. Identify between really liking her and liking the idea of her. Don’t rely on outside sources for happiness, depend on yourself.Fun should be your priority on a night out and women will gravitate to the fun loving, attractive, carefree guy!
Shift your perspective and adjust your understanding of risk, its more risky not to approach.
You might embarass yourself and get rejected but that will be forgotten in minutes, but what exciting future connecton might you miss out on? Focus on FOMO
Confidently and assertively convey your intent, sub-communicate your sexual interest, do not seek approval, focus on your why, you think she’s hot and you want to get to know her, make that clear unapologetically.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS LAST
So how do you make that lasting first impression within the first few seconds?
Powerful eye contact sparks attraction like nothing else, instantly turning women on, building deep, intense connection and arousal. Make her feel like you two are the only people in the room, communicate your desire through your eyes by not breaking eye contact, avoiding looking down or appearing distracted and shifting the focus of your gaze back and forth. Strong eye contact before you approach is also important as it signals your confident and committed whilst also intriguing her for when you do talk.
Don’t play the tough guy, exude your playful, fun, confident manner with a permanent slight cocky grin. Be direct, state your intentions, don’t be outcome dependant, be the man who knows what he likes and what he wants and isnt afraid to state it. Touch her, as soon as possible within the interaction without it being uncomfortable and then escalate from there. Start with a slight touch of the back of her arm, hands, lower back, shoulders, spin her round, pick her up, be physical. Make sure your vocal tonality is deep, from your chest and that you project clearly at a slow, relaxed pace.
After approaching you need to maintain the connection by having a fun energetic ongoing interaction, to do so you need to avoid the boring small talk questions that have all heard before. Rather than conducting an interview with numerous questions use statements to get beyond small talk and have a meaningful fun and exciting conversation. Be unfiltered and genuine, dont be afraid to disagree with her, make fun of her and make her seek your approval rather than the other way round. Being self amused and unapologetic with sexual jokes, innuendos and saying whats on your mind will help her relax and have fun. As the man you need to lead the interaction, dont just let it take its own natural course, indecisiveness kills attraction.
Lets get rid of a few excuses that those unwilling to take action tend to hang on to in order to excuse their lack of balls and effort –
1) Looks – Women are more attracted to the type of guy you are than the way you look, FACT. By conveying certain traits and characteristics through your grooming, fashion sense, body language and physique you can be attractive regardless of whether you have the features of David Beckham or Ryan Gosling.
2) Cash – Not all Women are ‘gold-diggers’, you absolutely dont need to be rich to be good with women
3) I’m not an asshole – It’s certain traits of bad boys that women are drawn to – excitement, adventure, dominance, independence and its certain traits of the traditional ‘nice guy’ that turn them off – needy, insecure, boring. You don;t have to treat a woman like crap to adapt those behaviours and ditch the others.
4) Numbers – Getting a girls number is not a ‘Win’ its simply the first step on the road to a potential win. Women hand their numbers out all the time, it means nothing, the key is establishing a connection prior to getting the number.
5) Dont wait – If you get the digits, text her later the same night or at least follow up within 24 hours. Not doing so does not make you cool and hard to get, it gets you forgotten,
6) Don’t buy her a drink – Subconsciously if you offer a girl a drink when you first meet her your suggesting your not worthy of her time. If you chat for 20 minutes and want to get a drink yourself then by all means offer her one as a reward for being interesting.
7) Lines – You don’t need the perfect words. Its not what you say, its how you say it. Tone, eye contact, facial expression and body language. Get all of them right and they will convey that your a confident, funny, interesting, sexy guy.
8) She’s not that type of girl – Lets be clear. Women like sex as much as men. The majority of have had one night stands. Sex is always on the table, if you can bring out her sexual side.
9) Losers – If you’ve got too much of an ego to try and get better with women, you’ll probably only ever be mediocre with them at best. If your banging 9’s and 10’s every day of the week then what are you doing reading this? For the rest of us, don’t settle and take some focused action to improve, you’ll be surprised by the results.
By internalising the right mindsets and then reinforcing them by taking action you will inevitably get good with the ladies. Be persistent through rejection, challenge yourself and be unapologetically comfortable with who and what you are. You are responsible for your own success and facing your own insecurities to live a life of passion, adventure and excitement.